It all started with a tweet that would launch a viral movement. “He said he would change. He promised it was the last time. I believed him. He lied,” tweeted writer and public speaker, Beverly Gooden, under the hashtag she created, #WhyIStayed.
Gooden took to Twitter after hearing that Baltimore Ravens NFL player Ray Rice punched his then fiancee, Janay Palmer, knocking her down in an elevator. Soon after Gooden’s tweet, #WhyIStayed took social media by storm, provoking many other women to tell their own stories.
The #WhyIStayed social media frenzy also focused attention on Domestic Violence Awareness Month and purple ribbons are worn by domestic abuse victims and advocates as a gesture of support.
Meredith Vieira spoke candidly about her own experience on domestic abuse on her show The Meredith Vieira Show. Good Morning America, also interviewed hashtag creator Gooden and Dr. Phil about domestic violence, and the doctor himself also talked about it on his own show Dr. Phil.
One out of four women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Every nine seconds a woman is abused, the Coalition has found, and 85 percent of abuse victims are women.
It is crucial to raise awareness because it is likely that we may know someone who has experienced it, said the Executive Director of the Ruby’s
house, a transitional sober living home for women and their children. She added that many survivors do not talk about it because domestic violence is a silent epidemic that evokes shame, humiliation, and denial.
“We have considered domestic violence a private issue for many years. It is time we look at domestic violence as a public, community issue,” said Gooden in an e-mail interview.
(Pictured: Markeisha Guy)
Victims of abuse are from different gender, ages, and socioeconomic level. It even happens to women that appear to be independent, highly educated, and professionally successful. It happens to women even if they have the means to seek help, according to the website justice.gov.
“Women are reluctant to seek help because they often blame themselves,” Watley said.
(Pictured: Reverend Darlene Watley/Executive Director of Ruby's House)
That appeared to be the case at a press conference in September when Janay Rice took blame for the elevator altercation with her husband.
“I do deeply regret the role that I played on the incident that night,” Janay Rice said.
In addition, a Ruby’s House resident, Tiffany Birch, opened up about why she stayed in an abusive relationship.
(Pictured: Tiffany Birch)
Birch stays there with her three daughters has been at Ruby’s House nine months.
“I felt like it was my fault, something I said or did when in reality it shouldn’t matter. The man shouldn’t get physical with a woman,” Birch said.
(Pictured: Tiffany Birch with daughter)
Watley said that the victims will also make excuses for the men.
“They settle for the abuse. They will say, ‘Well he does take care of me, pay the bills, keeps me looking nice, takes me out, and buys me gifts. He’s not that bad, he just has a temper problem,’ ” Watley said.
(Pictured: Watley with resident)
She urged victims to seek help from different resources.
(Pictured: Ruby's House)
“Educating on why it hurts to come back is the best advice I can give because you really need to educate yourself [because] it ignites the power that you have,” Watley said.
The other big problem obstacle to leaving is the danger. It has become harder to leave an abusive situation because of a fairly new term called “separation assault,” when women leave the perpetrator and provokes the violent behavior and sometimes becomes fatal, Dr. Phil McGraw said during a Good Morning America interview in September.
In addition, Gooden shared statistics from World Health Organization report saying, “In Australia, Canada, Israel, South Africa and the US, intimate partner violence accounts for up to 70 percent of female murders.”
“With those types of numbers, how can it not be important to raise awareness for violence against women?” added Gooden via email.
(Pictured: Markeisha Guy with her children)
The website helpguide.org has some ways to leave safely:
• “Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).
• Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.
• Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.”
(Pictured: Birch with Daughter)
Domestic abuse survivor from the Ruby’s House, Markeisha Guy, advises to not tell the abuser you are going to leave him.
“That’s the biggest mistake. Leave when he’s not there,” said Guy.
Guy lives at the home with her two children for fours years.
On the show Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil’s wife, Robin McGraw also created the Aspire News app for When George Smile: The Robin McGraw Revelation foundation, to help women and children from domestic violence. McGraw shared that the app can add five of your emergency contacts. When necessary, you can send a message that says “I’m in trouble, please come get me. I cannot be alone.”The Aspire initiative is free and is in English and Spanish. It targets three age groups: tweens, teens and adults. It talks about what abuse is, how stop it before it starts, and how to take action by exiting safely and how to stay safe once you are out.
How to recognize the signs:
The Ruby’s House resident, Markeisha Guy, says to analyze how the male abuser treat his female family members such as his mother or sister. If he treats her with respect, he will do that the same for you.
(Pictured: Tiffany Birch)
“If he lays a hand on his mom, what makes you think he won’t do that to you?” she added.
Other warning signs are if the abuser start to isolate the victim from her family and friends, so that he can be the only person the victim can depend on.
(Pictured: Watley)
“If the perpetrator does not like the person that they are engaging with, he has the power to say no. The perpetrator has total power and control over the women or the survivor,” Watley said.
After the viral movement, Gooden said it has helped her to be stronger than before.
(Pictured:Birch with her daughter)
“The hashtag has given me strength in continuing to tell my own story. I’m not alone, and the thousands of women sharing their stories are not alone. To the women currently experiencing domestic violence, please know that you are not alone,” Gooden said.
Gooden shared that everyone can help tackle domestic violence prevention head-on by being there for their loved ones, and to also have reliable resources in place.
(Pictured: Watley with her residents)
“The only way we can ensure those resources are in place is by donating time and money. We can’t allow domestic violence organizations to be underfunded,” Gooden said.
Other ways to help survivors is to participate in the international march called “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes,” where men walk in heels to raise awareness of the negative effects of men’s violence against women. This event is going on around the country all month long in October for the Domestic Violence awareness. The events held for Southern California are located in San Diego on October 9th and 14th.